36 Weeks

This week we learned that our sweet and adorable baby is in perfect exit position. And let me tell you, he is being really quite exceptionally cute about it. The lumps I thought had to be his knees? Yeah, that’s his tush. He’s sticking his tush out and dancing, like, all the time. Have you ever heard of anything so charming in all your life? (I didn’t think so.) And also, he is diligently practicing his breathing, which is obvious from the movement in his cute little ribs. (Seriously, cutest ribs ever, people.) This is all rather brilliant of him, I’d say, and he should be quite ready to greet his public in a few weeks. As for me, I have “beautiful pockets of amniotic fluid” and a “nice and high placenta.” (Really, my doctor is the best when it comes to flattery. What will she think of next?)

At about six pounds, Baby H is now the size of a crenshaw melon. (Yeah, I know... a crenshaw? Really? No less-obscure six-pound melons or gourds?)

And I am growing quite the prominence of belly in which to house this dancing-melon-baby. It’s so eye-catching that random strangers ask me about it on the daily. See? It’s hard not to say something:

Today my baby’s daddy and I attended a childbirth class, to learn how to get the baby out without ending up in divorce. I actually completely loved this class. And Jasper totally didn’t hate it. We agreed it’s the most worthwhile of the myriad classes we have taken. For one, it convinced us (even more than we already were) that we are clearly going to win labor. And if you know anything about me and Jasper, you know that we are fond of winning. I realize you probably think of Jasper as the bigger winner, due to the actual winning of footraces and the being the star of rocket science and all, but let me assure you, I am no slouch. I’ve won an award or two, mostly for some very nerdy things, such as being the best grammarian. I also once won third prize in a talent show for lip-syncing La Isla Bonita. I even won a footrace once. (It was a VERY small field...) And none of those things is a joke! And I still regularly win cocktail parties, in my head at least.

So, winning labor. Yes. That’s us. And don't you appreciate that the first-time parents are admitting to this, for your entertainment? Rationally I know we have no idea what we are getting into, but I think this is one of those times when over-confidence is better than fear.

In class we practiced pain management by holding ice cubes in our fists and figuring out which techniques made the minute-long “contraction” feel shorter and more tolerable. I LOVED this game. We learned that I like my regular breathing more than the special breathing. Also, doing what I call “the Puppet” (just checking out and pretending that the bad thing is not happening) is very effective. Finally, visualizing myself trail running or looking into my baby daddy’s eyes (both things I thought I would HATE) are awesome.

Things that should be avoided are touching my face, massaging my shoulders, and giving me a “heart hug.” For those not in the know, a heart hug is a squeezy move wherein my baby's daddy is to put one hand on my back and one in the center of my chest. And it feels akin to suffocation if you are me. We also learned that Baby H loathes relaxation exercises. When I imagined the light pouring in through the crown on my head, he became downright violent. So, we won’t be doing that.

We confirmed our nerdy over-preparedness when, during one of the videos, we turned to each other and said, “That baby’s latch sucks.” Pun not even intended!  

Number of people who have touched the belly: 21

Number of bags partially packed for the hospital: 1
Number of lists of additional things to pack at the last minute: 1
Number of snack bags still to be packed for the hospital: 1 (If Granny J taught me anything, it’s that you should never leave the house without a snack bag.)
Number of baby song books of guitar music my baby's daddy has assembled to accompany him and his guitar to the hospital: 1

Number of baby-related classes we have taken: 6
Number of baby-related classes still on the agenda: 1

Number of disposable diapers we have for the early days: 176
Number of ridiculously cute cloth diaper covers we have for the slightly later days: 4

Crenshaw: Baby Center